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My Journey to Health
Today it is difficult for me to truly recall how I felt before my years of struggling with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I believe, however, that as life goes on you must always work to cope with depression, anxiety, and disordered eating behaviors. I do not feel that these mental illnesses are something that can be cured; I believe you can become stronger and more self-aware, which helps to deal with personal issues on a daily basis. Through therapy, your support systems, and sometimes medication, you can learn ways on how to cope. I do not look at this belief as discouraging because everything that I have struggled through and have learned has made me a better, stronger, more self-confident, courageous person. My struggles with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder has been, by far, the most knowledge gaining experience in my life.
As a child, I always wanted everything to go my way. I always wanted to be an adult, and I was extremely mature and responsible despite my young age. I always worried. I worried about my family, if my friends liked me enough, if I was smart enough, if I was wearing the "right" clothes, if I was going to be on time. I even worried that my brother would make me late to school in second grade!
My real struggles began as a sophomore in high school. I had lost weight while at camp over the summer. I was always at a normal weight for my age and height, but running around at camp and being outside made my weight drop. It was just a small seasonal fluctuation. When I returned home, I kept receiving compliments on my figure and my slight weight loss. This was a turning point, because after that summer, I began I downward spiral into the silent but brutal world of an eating disorder. I began fixating on my exercise routine and my restrictive diet. It consumed me completely. Throughout the two years that I suffered from an eating disorder, I lost all feeling. I do not remember much from that period of time, except the extreme anxiety if I missed a workout or if I ate something I wouldn't allow myself to eat. I was not in the real world. I was numb to everything outside of my controlling weight loss obsession. My day to day life was not filled with activities, friends, family events, or laughter, it was consumed by thoughts of when I should eat, what I should eat, how long I should exercise, calorie consumption, and how to lie to family and friends about why I was not eating. The real me disappeared and was covered up by this automated person. I began to withdraw from my social scene. I lost my concentration in school, despite the fact that I was an A student. I was completely disconnected from my body, my friends, and my self.
During the second year of my eating disorder, I began experiencing terrifying anxiety attacks. All of a sudden, my mood would drop drastically, and I felt that I was stuck physically and emotionally. The only way I am able to describe this feeling is as if I felt I needed to be doing something, anything, but I was inhibited by this extreme feeling of anxiety and being overwhelmed. I would pace around my room, shaking frantically and crying for an hour or more at a time. Not one pleasant thought made me the slightest bit happier. Sometimes, I would feel like I would want my life to end; I wanted to die. This is difficult for me to admit, because it scares me to think how anxious, alone, unhappy and depressed I really felt. With the anxiety attacks increasing gradually, I was trying desperate attempt to feel something and release my pain, all of my emotions, my thoughts, and my worries. I didn't want to die but I did want release from the prison of my mind and body.
I tried to hurt myself whenever I felt overwhelming feelings of anxiety or guilt. My anxiety and depression became too hard for me to handle. I would miss school, I was not my normal talkative self, and I completely lost interest in all things that once made me happy. Life was nothing to me; I was just an empty person.
When I reflect on those two years, I cannot recall one single vivid memory; I was lost. When my family finally expressed that they were extremely worried about me, I was relieved. I felt trapped in my own body and I couldn't find a way to escape it. I remember the exact moment when my relationship with my family changed forever. I was in the car with my mom, after she picked me up from dance rehearsal at school, and she asked if I had been getting my period. I burst into tears. We both knew then that I must seek some professional help. From that moment on, I have been very open with my family about everything, even drugs and alcohol. Rediscovering my relationship with my parents and brother has given me a new form of support when I am feeling anxious, alone, and low. This new relationship brought on a new honest and open relationship with my friends, who have stuck by my side through all of my struggles. With my social and familial support system, I know I am always loved and never alone. I feel that I know myself better because I am so open with my friends and family. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a good support system, whether it just is family, just one friend, a therapist, or even a teacher. Having a hand to pull you back up, no matter how upset, anxious, or unhappy you are is ideal when battling a mental illness, or a troubling time.
Around my junior year of high school, I began seeing a social worker and psychiatrist. Therapy was amazing. Once I felt comfortable with my social worker, therapy completely opened me up to life again. My psychiatrist put me on an antidepressant medication and an anti-anxiety medication, once I was given the diagnosis of having depression and generalized anxiety disorder. The medication helped to balance my moods and allowed me to take control over my anxiety attacks. I was able to feel and understand my emotions again. The cutting slowly stopped, and my lost thoughts returned. I began to relate to people again, I began to talk more, and I rediscovered the things that made me happy.
Seeing a social worker, and being in therapy allowed me to discover who I really was. Being honest and expressing how I felt to family, friends, and myself gave me whole new sense of life. Once I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I began to read numerous books and articles that discussed depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. I educated myself on my illnesses and began to understand them. By reading and learning new information on my illnesses, I discovered new ways to calm myself down and explore life. My senior year, I had a school project called "Senior Project," where I decided to explore how a consistent practice of yoga could ease symptoms of depression and anxiety. I was able to leave school early and take yoga every single day. I would write in a journal how I felt before and after the classes. I was amazed by what I discovered and felt. The whole experience allowed me to connect my mind to my body. It helped me to become more self-aware and find balance in my self and in my life. I still continue yoga to this day; it is great personal therapy.
I no longer take medication, but I still see a therapist, which keeps me stable. Depression, anxiety, and even disordered eating are lifelong illnesses, but I have learned to cope. Everything I battled through helped me become a stronger person and helped me discover myself and, although it sounds cheesy, it helped me realize how enjoyable life can be.
I would like to spread one statement of caution. During my freshman year of college, I lost contact with my social worker and psychiatrist, because I was very busy. I was forced off of my medications because my psychiatrist would not fill them unless I had a session with her or my social worker. I did not have time to sit down and talk to either of them. I stopped taking my medication cold turkey. This led me back to extreme anxiety attacks, which seemed much worse than the ones I had in high school. Without a warning, I began battling a horrible bout of depression and almost full-fledged suicidal thoughts. Luckily, in college, you are never really alone; you are always surrounded by people, so I was able to struggle through this with extremely generous friends by my side. I also began therapy again, but this time with a local therapist. It is important to note that you should NEVER take yourself off of any medication you are prescribed. You must slowly wean yourself off of the medications and your doctor or therapist must monitor you through this process. If you have been diagnosed with any physical or mental illness, remember to always keep in contact with your family and friends. Also, find a therapist that you like and feel comfortable with.
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